My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Lucky for them, they’re cute
![]()
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
![]()
![]()
no such thing as a dumb question
![]()
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
![]()
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.