I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m not wrong
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Facebook memories be like
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.