@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Can Happiness buy money?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
no their not
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it