Speak now or ever hold your peace
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Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Good advice.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only