I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My background check bounced.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
just witnessed a drug deal