My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.