*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
You Might Also Like
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
that’s really how it is
I don’t make the rules sorry
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
What the hell happened in there??
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Who chose this font
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.