All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Did I do this right
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.