Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it