hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Stop sending me this shit.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.