Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
You Might Also Like
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.