I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!