A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.