Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Not today.. 😂
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart