[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Seas the day!!!!
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Cake safety first. Always.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase