ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
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My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.