(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I only eat vegetarians.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
File under excellent bookstore names.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*