2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.