How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
john wicks are toilet candles
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My loaf of bread looks terrified
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.