I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊