Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Cinematography is my passion
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting