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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller