I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance