How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
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earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.