As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.