“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”