If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
That’s enough internet for the day
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.