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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”