If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.