I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I have a type: disappointing
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip