“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you