When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
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[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.