My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.