My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.