I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Namaste
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.