It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
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tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Van Gone
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather