It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
eggs benadryl
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
cry laughing at this shit
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?