[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
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Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin