Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.