Morning my dudes.
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The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”