Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
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When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.