colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Schrödinger’s cookie
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?