why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge