Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
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(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.