I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.