my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
i wish we could shoplift online
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.