Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me when someone tries to get to know me
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.