I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
When ur friends with white people
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.