Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
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finally
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.