[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I hate when that happens.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home